Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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