i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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