Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
should my penis look like a turkey
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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