Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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