hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
