i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
