I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize