Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
