Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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