OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
