i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
