There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
