either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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