youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
