I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
