Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
