What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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