There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
