ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
