on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
