If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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