My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
