Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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