drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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