Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
