Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize