Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
