I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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