You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
we're so committed to being not committed
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
