It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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