well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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