I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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