I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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