Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
