mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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