The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize