We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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