i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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