well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
