Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
