I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
