nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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