Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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