3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
