I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
