if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
