i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just want to make out with him forever
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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