she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
