I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
