Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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