6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
