She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
