I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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