there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
