Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
