When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
