Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
