If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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