sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
