Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
