shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
