I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
