my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize