Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
