By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize